The Worst Graduation Present Ever

for K, my Stunning, Redheaded Princess/Niece upon her Departure to Adulthood

As I've said before: God does have a fabulous sense of humor. One of its manifestations seems particularly poignant now: namely, that with age comes wisdom that can almost never be imparted upon those who follow us on the journey through life (at least not successfully). This wisdom is forged in the fires of our cumulative experiences and shaped by the hammers of adversity that fall upon us and that we bring down upon ourselves. It is also informed by the reluctant realization that certain truths do, in fact, apply to each of us and that if we had only been able to consider those truths as relevant when they were passed on to us, they would have indeed changed the course of our lives. But you're a bright star and so I offer to you those truths I have uncovered on my journey in the hopes that they may offer you some guidance, solace, or simply some company as you prepare for this momentous departure. Put another way, the best that I have to give to you comes in the form of unsolicited advice, quite possibly the worst graduation present ever. I use the phrase departure to adulthood somewhat loosely; I know that train left the station some time ago. It has been a pleasure watching you blossom into such a beautiful woman. It has also been a terror--but that is mostly about my own response to the passage of time: something that you will no doubt discover yourself picks up speed as you move along the path until the movement of days, weeks, and months become seamless and fleeting and indistinguishable. But mostly, it has been a pleasure to watch you grow up--not the least of which has been merely an aesthetic pleasure: you are a beauty. In addition to the unsolicited transmission of my discoveries below, please know that I am always available to you in person. I promise to always give you the truth as I see it (all that any of us can ever do but most won’t and likely to be not quite right oftener than not). Nonetheless, I hope this is simply the formal beginning of our own lifelong dialogue as adults on the journey.

Here’s what I know so far:

Kibble of Wisdom #1: Adulthood has no Endpoint

That is, of course, unless you consider death an end (but that's another conversation). I've discovered that, in some ways, I got duped by cultural myths that sold me on the notion of becoming finished. Hollywood sells us the notion of a perfect mate and guidance counselors the notion of a perfect career. That's not to say that these institutions cannot bring joy and meaning, only that they can never complete you. The seduction of getting through college is a sense that when you finished you’ll be done. Not true. Adulthood is a process. Relationships and careers are too. Consider your life as happening right now; not when you're finished with school, not when you're in a relationship, not in the future. Life is now so never put off becoming who you want to be--start being that person now. We reach physical maturity fairly early in life; growing up mentally and spiritually takes the rest of our lives and only becomes arrested if we choose it.

Kibble of Wisdom #2: Only You can give Yourself Happiness (and only You can take it away)

When you fall for the myth of perfection it's easy to put your energy into the pursuits of finding the soul mate that will bring you happiness and the career that will actualize you. Unfortunately at that point you've just placed the source of happiness and actualization outside of yourself and you'll be locked in to an endless circle of chasing your tail and consequently, will never obtain either of them. I spent more time chasing my tail that I would hope for you. We're all dealt a hand for which we are not personally to blame. The hand is never fair, but this works in both negative and positive ways. It appears that the tendency for many people is to focus upon the ways the hand they were dealt was negative and not upon the many beautiful things they were given that they didn't deserve either. Focusing on the negative rarely achieves more than acknowledging the simple truth that life is not fair and then ensuring daily doses of misery and pain. This acknowledgement of misery and pain never rectifies our lives by transforming us into something different. No, while the hand dealt is not our fault it is always our responsibility. Here's why: the hand you were dealt has shaped the person you are, both good and bad--and no one or no thing can reach down inside of you and make it any different. You can. Be weary of letting yourself think of the hand you were dealt as a cage because if you do, it becomes one. When the hands are dealt, the Dealer also gives us the key to release ourselves from mental cages: the key is called Choice and it is the greatest gift of this Life (in my opinion). On my journey, the times I was most miserable were those times when allowed myself to become passive--to view myself as being swept along by the river of life. It's true: life is a river and much is out of our control; nonetheless, resist the idea that this means you should throw your hands in the air and fail to attempt any navigation whatsoever. Think of whitewater rafting: everyone is going to hit rapids but not everyone will make it through them. We can control how we position ourselves in the rapids, how we paddle, and how we work with others.

Kibble of Wisdom #3: If You haven't already, start a Relationship with Yourself

I've noticed that most people treat their friends better than they treat themselves. If this sounds like something you do then consider thinking of yourself as one of your friends. If you would forgive a friend for making a mistake, then forgive yourself when you make one. If you would give your friend something during their time of need, then give yourself something during your times of needs. If you would be honest with your friends, be honest with yourself. If you would respect your friend's boundaries or limitations, accept your own. If you would defend your friends, defend yourself. If you would want the best for your friends, want the best for yourself. When you relate to yourself as another one of your friends then you will be aware of those times when someone is asking you for something that you do not have to give them. If a friend didn't have money to loan you then you wouldn't ask them for it or expect. In the same way, when someone asks you to compromise who you are or crosses your boundaries they are asking you for something that you don't have to give them. If they don't respect the borders of your singular nationhood, then they want something from you that you cannot give them and they're probably not a very good friend. You will have to defend those boundaries because no one else can do it for you. If you afford yourself the same respect toward yourself that you give to others you'll find yourself in healthier relationships. If you rationalize and justify others' disrespect of your boundaries you'll end up in relationships where others repeatedly cross them. Queen Latifah gave herself a wedding band—not a bad idea.

Kibble of Wisdom #4: Boys are Problematic; Men are an Endangered Species

One of the most profound statements to come out of the HIV epidemic was a bumper sticker that read simply, "Boys Lie." Granted it was surely developed by a bitter, old queen and it's no accident that this message is being passed along to you by another one. Boys, particularly those in their 20s but not limited to them for sure, appear willing to obtain sex through any means necessary. Now, I say this not to presume that you're a naive, young thing who knows nothing about the ways of the world but only to serve as a steadfast reminder of the landscape. If adulthood is defined by being physically, mentally, and emotionally responsible for oneself than we have to conclude that most of the men in the world are, in fact, boys. Boys will say anything to get what they want so it would serve you well to pay less attention to what boys say and more attention to what boys do. So here's the lowdown on how to deal with boys: resist giving them what they want. I know it sounds like playing games but I know of nothing else that provides you with more information about whether they are actually a man and if so, what type of man they are. Boys who lie are lazy. They're lazy because they want what they want and they want it now. They're lazy because they don't want to put the effort and work into relating to a whole woman with an intact personhood. Therefore, the quickest and easiest way to avoid boys who lie is to not give them what they want. At this point, many will simply call you names and move on (they're lazy so they're not going to put any more effort into someone who is not giving into them). Good riddance but it's only the first cut of the cards. Some will persist. Continue resisting what they want and instead, express what you want. In this way, you'll be able to see if what you want is important to them--and if they're willing to put time and effort into meeting your needs. At this point, more will move on. Good riddance, but it's only the second cut of the cards. At this point, if you wish, you can give them a little of what they want, but with limitations. In this way, you'll be able to see if they respect your boundaries. This is a critical point because, by now, a healthy adult like yourself will have begun the process of making emotional connections to the other person. If they don't exactly respect your boundaries a temptation will arise to rationalize their behavior, to understand it, to empathize with it, to passively condone it. Don't. It will be easy to tell yourself something like, "Well, he doesn't really respect this small boundary that I've put up because he doesn't understand it, or he was raised differently than I was, or because it is a less significant boundary, but I’m certain that he'll come through for me when it's really important, when it matters." He won’t. I've fallen at this point many times and let me tell you unequivocally: when you hear your internal voice making justifications to yourself, say back to it, "Bullshit!" As far as I can tell, one can never be sure of another person’s fidelity to their promises to us at all times. What you can be sure of is how they behave when they hurt you. A boy who clearly feels pain if he unintentionally hurts someone he loves (especially in the minor ways we hurt the ones we love) is probably less likely to hurt you in the big ways. A boy who clearly does not feel pain when he unintentionally hurts someone he loves in the little ways is most assuredly a boy who will go on to hurt you in big ways. Resist the temptation to tell yourself anything otherwise and you will avoid much pain. If you set the bar at real adulthood for the men you are involved with it would mean expecting them to take full responsibility for their own happiness, their own sexuality, their own emotions and that they would never place that responsibility on you. He will also have nothing but respect for you owning those same responsibilities for yourself. If he's not matured to this point, never take on the task of trying to get him there. You'll only be reinforcing the underlying current that you are somehow responsible for him growing up and therefore, it will never happen.

Kibble of Wisdom #5: Being Generous and Being a Doormat are Not Synonamous

It took me a long time to get to this one for myself. This includes everyone else, not just romantic interests but certainly including them. Always be generous. Helping others is one of the very best parts of being human. It's also linked to happiness and well being. For those of us who have been given so much there is a moral imperative that we also give a lot to others. I used to hold the worldview that if I gave my best to someone the exposure to such rich love would teach them and change them. Not true most of the time. When you lose yourself in the process of giving to another, or when you fail to recognize when you are trying to give someone something that you don't have to give them (i.e., money, time, energy) or cannot give them (i.e., happiness, fulfillment, resolution of their own past and problems, moral absolution) you have crossed into the realm of becoming a doormat. Anyone who continues to take from you without the awareness that they're depleting everything you have for yourself is not someone who cares about you. (Would you let a friend give you everything they had? No you wouldn’t). Also, there is evil in this world. I never wanted to believe that until I met it face-to-face on more than one occasion). You need to know that there are people in this world who would use your generosity, your kindness, or your trust in order to exploit you. I don't want to give the impression that you have to walk around with an impenetrable shield around yourself. I just want you to be aware that caution should precede generosity and those people who feel real gratitude for your generosity will understand that generosity is never be a blank cheque (literally and figuratively). For me, I mixed up the notions of empathizing and trusting. In other words, if I could understand they way they were I thought my empathy for them would make them trustworthy to me. Not true. Everyone has reasons for being the way they are--experiences in childhood, shitty parents, etc. Understanding those reasons still does not make them trustworthy. It just means that like everyone else, there are reasons they are the way they are. Make others earn your trust and don't give it to them a minute before they have. Trust is never something that can be frontloaded in a relationship – it just can't be. Trust will come only when someone successfully navigates the rapids with you. Before you've gone through rapids together trust is nothing more than a warm and fuzzy feeling (and probably a delusional one) inside your body but not something woven into the fabric of the relationship between you and them.

Kibble of Wisdom #6: Your Family is your Touchstone

Sure, right now you want to put some distance between yourself and the rest of us and that's normal. But know this: you can come home anytime you want to or need to. You've got a big family and lots of homes. Part of the cultural myth about romantic love is that it's unconditional. Perhaps over a lifetime it can become that. By and large, however, romantic love is the most conditional--and it should be. If a romantic love crosses a line, hurts you, disrespects you then he better change his tune and better change it fast or he should be eliminated from your life. But the love of your family is unconditional. We love you and will always love you. No matter what do. No matter what you become. Take it from me: this is not to say that you can never disappoint us or that you can never hurt us. On the contrary, you can and you probably will (because we can never not disappoint or hurt our families sometimes). Also, that's not to say we won't ever disappoint or hurt you too. It is to say that we are among the most charmed and blessed because we have a family who can work through the disappointments and the hurts and who will never stop loving us. Who needs the lottery? We've already won it.

Kibble of Wisdom #7: Categorical Variables: Handy for Research, Not so much for People

What I most loved about my education was that it exposed me to people from the far corners of this Earth. They looked different. They talked different. They ate and loved differently. They prayed differently. They played differently. The given categories of race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, nationality, creed and such amounted to vast amounts of misinformation that served only to make me feel far away from them. I challenge you to get up close to them and get to know them as individuals. It will enrich your life and ground you to this world. It will bring you friends that others will tell you should not be your friends. It’s the best way to be a rebel. As well as learning much about those who people this planet you will learn the nuance of your own texture and that will allow you to better celebrate your own life. Differences will cast into relief what is important to you and what you can (and cannot) tolerate in others. Fear of difference is probably natural--succumbing to it is just lazy.

Kibble of Wisdom #8: Be Weary of Simplicity and the People who Peddle it

Way back when, snake oil peddlers rolled into town with a cart full of ointments and tonics. They made all sorts of claims and lots of people believed them. Of course, they had to move on after they made the sell so they'd be long gone by the time that people wised up to falsities of their claims. The same kind of charlatans still exist now, more often than not on the internet or telephone so you can’t find them when their covers are blown. But a more sophisticated beast also lived then and still exists now as well. They peddle simplicity in matters that can never be proven or disproven. Because their claims can never really be tested and they don't have to be nomads. In fact, many of them build huge physical and emotional edifices that will be around a lot longer than they will. My advice: be leery and weary of anyone trying to sell you anything that’s cheap or easy. Watch out for these folks particularly in the areas of politics, knowledge, and religion.

Kibble of Wisdom #9: Absences in Laughter Require Investigation

When you’re a child and say you don’t feel good, one of your parents usually sticks a thermometer in your mouth. Think of laughter like that thermometer. If you’re not laughing frequently, what in your life is suppressing your spirit? What will it take to change or exorcise that suppression? How can your Family help you at this time? These eerily silent times that possess a lack of the forceful, diaphragmatic expulsion of air typically mean there is an illness in your life. These are good times to come home and be pampered a bit while you figure out where to make adjustments. Let me know if I can help as I try to make this one of my specialty areas (not counseling so much as laughing).

Kibble of Wisdom #10: Stretch your Wings

OK, so we can’t all be good at everything. Granted. But most of us can be good enough at a whole lot of things but most people won’t because they’ll never spread their wings. The monumental acts of survival required of our ancestors mean that we are equipped with so many tools that most of us will never know we even had—that is, unless, we try things and discover that they were in our toolboxes all along. In knowing you, I know that you have more tools than most of the people you will meet. Don’t be arrogant or modest about that. Just use them and do great things. Soar high and enjoy your wings for every second of the flight.