Insculpta Homeboy
(AP) Columbia, MO. The Management of the Sunset Villa (aka "Chalet du Soleil") announced Sunday morning that a local turtle has, in fact, taken up residence on their grounds. Rex McPherson, grounds manager, remarked, "Our friend goes by Porfirio Rubirosa and is one of many splendors of wildlife our guests can expect to enjoy when they stay with us." It's true: a deer was spotted leisurely grazing in the Villa's front yard in the middle of the day just last week while McPherson was chatting on the phone with his brother. A few days later, a doe was seen with her two spotted fawns in a nearby neighborhood. When asked about the turtle's moniker McPherson replied while smiling, "It stays with the original Latin theme of the Villa, but we're not sure if the turtle actually has ties to the famously endowed Dominican lover or not."
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Anyway, "Rubi" (aka Porfirio Rubirosa) has made himself scarce since that went out on the AP. Figures, doesn't it? Generate publicity with the claim of an available novelty and then, when you're guests all arrive pregnant with expectation and their overfed, eager faces you can't deliver. The parchment paper thin veneer over their disappoint cracking quickly, then dissolving into a curt, mimicked form of politeness that is really a vehicle for their hostility: "Well, sir, so what is there to do here at the Villa when Rubi is 'being difficult'?" They even do the air-quotes thing with their fingers because that's how one of your friendly staff members had characterized Rubi's absence just moments ago. And later, having to calmly explain the ever-rising cost of fuel in order to justify why the Deer Spotting "Safari" Trolley still costs full price in the face of an accusatory, "Well, we came here to see Rubi." This last comment buttressed with a sigh that, and I'm totally serious here, actually sounds like a comic book, "HUFF!" as she trundles her thigh waddles heavily through the lobby.
ATTENTION RUBI WATCHERS: A close call (thank the Baby Jesus) with the lawnmower revealed Rubi tucked up to the south side of the Villa. I relocated him into some tall plant growth there. I continue to hope that this event has not triggered Insculpta PTSD or is likely unknown equivalent. Man and beast will continue hammering out the details of their ecological coexistence. More news to follow.
No signs of Rubi for over a week now. I fear that she attributed aggression to my act of mowing the lawn. I suspect that we have unwittingly been cast on opposing sides in the "if you love something set it free" drama. Your ongoing thoughts and prayers to bring her home are appreciated.
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