Ecology Amiss at 'Casa Ra'
Columbia, MO (AP) Trustees of the favored retreat of intellectuals and iconoclasts have sounded the alarm about the wildlife surrounding The Sunset Villa. "The ecology's all out of whack," lamented Colby "Jackalope" McPherson, Director of Organics, Environment, and Balance for the Villa. Mr. McPherson, a former sheriff of Fremont County in southern Colorado, released photographs and a statement to the press that made allegations that unchecked populations of deer around the Villa were most likely to blame for the recent destruction of the site's tastier landscaping.
Vandalized and scandalized purple sweet potato vine
Local naturalists were quick to challenge McPherson's claims. "It most probably was nothing more than a hungry rabbit," dismissed Phinneas Rector, Interim Director of Backyard Habitats, a not for profit group frequently at odds with custodians at the Villa. Rex McPherson, Managing Director at Sunset Villa, defended cousin Colby's assessment of the situation, "Could've been a rabbit but if you examine the photo of the once robust green vine you'll see that such a rabbit'd've (sic) needed a long neck to nibble the end of that vine which clearly extends out past the wall."
Mr. Rector returned fire, "Rabbits are keen at using their little forehands and one could have easily bent the vine toward his hungry agenda." Biologists at the University of Missouri-Columbia were eventually pulled into the fray. Edna Prudence, Department Chair, stated from her office late yesterday, "The faculty are divided so it could have been either culprit. We will probably never know with any certainty." Driven to display unity, the McPherson cousins held a press conference today. Said Colby McPherson, "As is often the case, human malcontents have now eclipsed the story of nature with their own bent agendas. We're merely trying to shine a light on the ongoing tension between peaceful cohabitation and the consequences of brazen self-propagation."
Rex McPherson, without advisement from his more environmentally minded cousin, chirped, "The loss of Rubi marked the beginning of the whole system getting out of balance." Porifio Rubirosa, nicknamed "Rubi" by her fans, was a turtle who had taken up residence on the Villa's grounds ealier this summer but who vanished without a trace several weeks ago.
2 comments:
I do not know what sort of fate brought me to this site, or how pole dancing is involved whatsoever, but nonetheless I am here and I most welcome your forum for public intercourse on a topic nearest to my heart and loins. I know of your ecological dilemma, and quite coincidentally, or perhaps not, your human one as well. I, too, know denuded vegetation as you describe. But, pray now to Jesus, it is not eaten by deer, or as the imbecilic Dr. Rector suggests, rabbits. I know that in your country, this statement will be inflammation, but Dr. Rector couldn’t diagnose an Indian attack if he had arrows sticking out of his ass. This I know from a fact. You see, I have had many dealings with Dr. Rector…some would call him my emesis…and I, Jorge Espinaca will not lie idly by, half-clothed, drunkish and chafed, and let him blame yet again on the Lepus what plagues your fair Villa. I would have to digress several centuries to explain to you the origins of your bedevilment, and you would not believe me in fact because you do not know of the Mexican occupation of Nepal and Tibet. You will not find this in your history books, but it is therefore no less true. During this period, a preternatural creature known to the hybridized indigents as El Chupayeti was known to smite their ornamental vegetation, eschewing the more carnivorous tendencies of its unholy progenitors. This is all true and now I fear El Chupayeti lives again in your Villa gardens. Do not place your faith in Dr. Rector’s trinkets of deceit, rabbit traps and the like. Do not ejaculate the deer, for they are not who relishes your treasured sweet potato vine. It is El Chupyeti. It must be.
And now I must go on. I’m looking for pole dancing, afterall.
Thank you, Mr. Espinaca, for that insightful, if not rambling, sporadic, and somewhat confused, diatribe. We appreciated your calling Phinneas Rector out as the misguided fool that he is. Here at Casa Sol we've had to suffer through many of his ideological, agenda-driven attacks.
We'll be on the lookout for the El Chupyeti you described. Fortunately, my cousin is also an amateur cryptobiologist so he'll doubtlessly be interested in your alcohol-fueled speculations.
So sorry to hear about your chaffing. We always avoid the use of chaffing dishes here at the Casa for that very reason. Best of luck with your pole.
Post a Comment